Taking the Bad with the Good and Loving through It All

Some rights reserved by Avital Pinnick

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." So begins Charles Dickens' classic The Tale of Two Cities. It could also have been the tagline for this week. It was a week in which a flare spontaneously ignited in the trunk of my son's car causing a small fire ... but, it was also the week in which I got cast for a role in The Laramie Project, a play that I desperately wanted to be in. It was a week in which we got some very disappointing news regarding a work situation ... but, it was also the week when both my husband and I had some very enlightening self-discoveries. In other words, like many weeks that all of us have ... it was filled with the good and the bad.

I think that somewhere along the line, many of us learn to think of the good stuff as somehow earned or merited. Conversely, the negative stuff is seen as some sort of punishment or deserved suffering. But that's kind of silly when you think about it because sometimes the bad stuff is what leads the good stuff or makes it possible, at least. And, in other cases, something that seemed like "the good stuff" several weeks ago, turns out to be not so good at all once we've lived into it.

More and more, I think that I am beginning to figure out that our lives are full of "stuff" and whether it is perceived as being "good" or "bad, the "best of times" or "the worst" depends upon context, the people involved, our own feelings and/or disposition at the time, and a host of other variables over which we have little to no control. The one thing I can control, however, is my reaction ... my response to the stuff.

Over the past several weeks, I have tried to be much more intentional about taking time during my day to mentally step back and just breathe (both physically and mentally). Whether it's in 5, 10, or 20 minute snippets ... just taking a break to reflect upon who I am and where I am in my life has helped me to put both the stuff that I perceive as great, the stuff that I perceive as horrid, and all the stuff in between into perspective.

So ... those are my words of wisdom for today: Remember to breathe. It's helpful in the best of times. It's helpful in the worst of times.

Fixing Things

Some rights reserved by pecooper98362

Most of my best friends tend to be fixers. I myself am a fixer. We want to fix things because we care and because we often have an over-inflated sense of our own abilities to "make things better." I am fairly convinced that I lasted far-longer in ordained ministry than I otherwise should have because of my determination to fix ... situations, relationships, people.

There is a lot to be said for fixers. It usually means that we want to be kind, caring, and compassionate. Unfortunately, it also means that sometimes we get involved in things we shouldn't, get frustrated when we can't fix things, and take on more than what is ours to take one.

It's a hard lesson for fixers to learn: not only can we not fix everything, we can't fix most things.

One of my best friends - a fixer if ever there was one - recently went to stay with his aging parents for a while to help them get things, as he put it, in order. There were definitely things that needed fixing: finding suitable care for his dad, tending to finances that had gone too long ignored, and various odd-jobs around the house. But there was also the reality that some of it ... maybe even a good portion of it ... just simply wasn't going to get done ... at least, not immediately and probably not just by one person ... no matter how caring, kind, and loving that one person might be. It was frustrating for my fixer friend that he couldn't just make it "right" and it was frustrating for me, his fixer friend, that I could't just make it all better for him.

But, in the grand scheme of things, he did something more important than fixing: he was present. And, that, in and of itself, was more important than any fixing that did or did not occur. He was present to his aging father who is facing an uncertain journey towards a most certain inevitability. He was present to his mother whose own inability to be able to fix and control things so that they turn out okay has caused her no small amount of frustration and short-temperedness as well. He gave them what all of us need and crave: love -- not in doing any one or two or a million specific things for them, but simply by being with them.

It is an important lesson for us fixers to learn, that sometimes, probably even most often, we help the most not by doing but simply by being who we are and sharing that with those who are most important in our lives.