Fixing Things

Some rights reserved by pecooper98362

Most of my best friends tend to be fixers. I myself am a fixer. We want to fix things because we care and because we often have an over-inflated sense of our own abilities to "make things better." I am fairly convinced that I lasted far-longer in ordained ministry than I otherwise should have because of my determination to fix ... situations, relationships, people.

There is a lot to be said for fixers. It usually means that we want to be kind, caring, and compassionate. Unfortunately, it also means that sometimes we get involved in things we shouldn't, get frustrated when we can't fix things, and take on more than what is ours to take one.

It's a hard lesson for fixers to learn: not only can we not fix everything, we can't fix most things.

One of my best friends - a fixer if ever there was one - recently went to stay with his aging parents for a while to help them get things, as he put it, in order. There were definitely things that needed fixing: finding suitable care for his dad, tending to finances that had gone too long ignored, and various odd-jobs around the house. But there was also the reality that some of it ... maybe even a good portion of it ... just simply wasn't going to get done ... at least, not immediately and probably not just by one person ... no matter how caring, kind, and loving that one person might be. It was frustrating for my fixer friend that he couldn't just make it "right" and it was frustrating for me, his fixer friend, that I could't just make it all better for him.

But, in the grand scheme of things, he did something more important than fixing: he was present. And, that, in and of itself, was more important than any fixing that did or did not occur. He was present to his aging father who is facing an uncertain journey towards a most certain inevitability. He was present to his mother whose own inability to be able to fix and control things so that they turn out okay has caused her no small amount of frustration and short-temperedness as well. He gave them what all of us need and crave: love -- not in doing any one or two or a million specific things for them, but simply by being with them.

It is an important lesson for us fixers to learn, that sometimes, probably even most often, we help the most not by doing but simply by being who we are and sharing that with those who are most important in our lives.

Friendship Fundamentals -- Viva La Difference!

Last night I had the chance to get together with a friend so that we could, as she put it, solve 50% of the world's problems. We had a wonderful and delightful time talking with each other about everything from blogging to faith to high school experiences to family to ... well, you name it.

When I got home and was basking in the afterglow of an evening spent in engaging, fun, and intellectually stimulating conversation, I was struck by the fact that this friend and I have what I think is the perfect mix of things in common ... so that we have a starting ground for conversation, and differences ... so that our conversations never get boring and we can continue to learn from one another, have our ideas challenged in a kind and non-threatening way, and grow.

I've had occasion to ponder the nature of friendship recently after a couple of "friends" un-friended (that that's even a word is mind-boggling) me on Facebook, without a word, presumably because of a position with which they, apparently, took exception. The gist of that pondering always arrived at the same general conclusion: "I don't expect all of my friends to think like I do ... why should anyone care if I don't think like them?" The experience was bizarre to me, but it also made me very thankful for the friends that I have who, like me, treasure not only the similarities, but the differences between us.

And the difference come in all shapes, forms, and sizes. Ones that are usually considered major, like religion and politics. But maybe even more importantly, some of the more seemingly minor things, like the best way to separate egg yolks from whites, which home remedies work and which are a canards, and, of course, which craft beers are the best (arguably, a topic that may fall into the "major" category).

So, today, I am all about celebrating the differences that make us who we are and the common bonds that unite us together. And, I am giving thanks that my friends and I can hold these two things together in a wonderful paradox that invites conversation, helps us to learn new things, and invites us to step out of our comfort zones when necessary.