Thumper ... Revisited

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Growing up, most of us were taught some version of Thumper's famous line from Bambi: "If you can't say somethin' nice ... don't say nothin' at all." Unfortunately, as we get older, all of us find ways to circumvent Thumper's advice. However, very few people want to be thought of as being "that person" who says unkind things, so we develop all kinds of prefaces in the hopes of somehow excusing what follows: "No offense, but..." "Don't take this the wrong way, but..." "I don't want to sound mean/judgmental/racist/rude, but..." The problem with all of those prefaces, however, is the fact that almost inevitably whatever comes next does the very thing that the speaker wanted to avoid. The words that follow are going to be offensive, will be taken harshly, or will sound mean/judgmental/racist/rude. And no amount of pleading that a disclaimer was given beforehand can change those reactions.

I am not proud of it, but I have used some of those very prefaces myself. I can't, of course, be sure as to why other people use them, but I do know that in my case it was always as a way to give myself some sort of permission to say whatever thing I wanted to say in the first place. The very fact that I included any sort of preface at all, warning the hearer not to be offended or that I didn't want to sound mean, was itself proof of the fact that I knew that what I was about to say violated the "if you can't say something nice" rule.

The fact of the matter is that nice words don't need a preface. People do not accidentally get offended when my words are truly kind and loving. No one is going to accuse me of being rude, judgmental, or racist if what comes out of my mouth is loving and not hateful. When my words have been used to build up, instead of tearing down, I've not ever had someone say that I was being mean.

It's really not that difficult. We've known since kindergarten how to share, how to play nice, and how to use our good words when we interact with others. And, we also learned pretty early on that there are times when we don't always want to share, play nice, or use our good words. It has taken a while, but I think I'm also beginning to learn that part of being a grown up is to share, play nice, and use good words even when I don't particularly want to ... or if I simply can't bring myself to play nice, to at least excuse myself and just keep quiet when I don't have anything nice to say.

So, I'm trying (though not always succeeding) to incorporate some additions to the Thumper rule into my everyday life and ask myself before I speak whether what I am about to say is necessary to the conversation. Am I attempting to offer needed information, build others up, lend encouragement? Could what I am going to say hurt someone else, be taken as a slight, give rise to gossip?

Like I said, I am not always successful, but in trying to remember to ask myself these kinds of questions, I have been humbled to discover all the times where I've been perfectly willing to abandon Thumper's sage words so that I could be "right" or seem to have control over a situation.

The older I get, the more I am struck by the fact that we learn almost all of life's essential lessons when we are very young. Them, it seems that it takes a lifetime to figure out how important those lessons are and to effectively put them into practice.

For now, I am working on taking the words of an animated rabbit to heart, and keeping quiet unless I have something nice to say.

Works and Plays Well with Others

When I was in grade school, there was always a space on our report cards for the category, "Works and Plays Well with Others." It was supposed to help parents and educators recognize, I suppose, when there was a kid who didn't know how to share, couldn't play on the playground without hitting, kicking, or biting others, or who exhibited socially unacceptable behavior.

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The recent story about Sebastien de la Cruz and his singing of the National Anthem to open game three ... and then game four of the NBA Finals was one of those things that made me realize that there should still be marks handed out in the grown-up world for "working and playing well with others."

I do not consider myself a naive person. I know that there are hate-filled people in the world. I get it. But reading the blather that flowed out of the Twitterverse while Sebastien de la Cruz was singing the National Anthem during game three made me wonder what the people who would say such things are like in real life when they do not have the perceived cloak of anonymity that social networking pretends to provide.

Mostly, it just made me sad. It made me ask questions like, "Wait, isn't this 2013 and isn't this the United States of America?" And, "Who says stuff like that about an 11-year-old kid." Again, it's not that I don't know that there are people who are like that ... it's just that I really would like to live in a world were everyone works and plays well with others. And, however, simple or silly or naive it may sound, I just don't understand why anyone would take delight in being mean or hateful or spiteful towards other people ... no matter who they are. I simply do not get it.

Was there a kind of sweet justice when it was revealed that not only was Sebastien born and raised in America but that he is the son of a Navy veteran? Sure. Was it great that he sang again to open game four and received a standing ovation? Of course. But it would have been just as great and a whole lot less painful for him and his family, I am sure, if when he sang the first time it could have been without incident and without bigoted/racist comments.

We got those marks in grade school, people, because there is this idea that it is an important skill set to have, this working and playing well with others. If it was important in first grade, that means it's still important. 1 + 1 still equals 2, the letter "m" still makes the mmmmm sound, and keeping our hands and feet to ourselves and using our nice words still matters.